Homeownership

As of Tuesday, I will have been a homeowner for exactly four months. Coming on the heels of nine years of renting, this has been quite an experience. And by my calculations, the homeownership experience of those reading this post literally goes from zero to two days to forty years. Thus, my task here will to see if I can describe the process to you--those who are long-time homeowners can tell if I'm right or wrong.

Well, actually, if I'm wrong, I would prefer to keep living in my fairy tale world, so please keep those comments to yourself.

As it turns out, homeownership is most like an Ethiopian food drive--both have needs that never end. The excitement of a new house is astonishing, but the amusing part of this is that it takes no time at all for supply to be dwarfed by demand. The to-do list becomes the size of something you'd normally see only at the Pentagon (or possibly a highway construction project). All of a sudden you find that the recent project management course you attended is more useful at home than at work!

But let's not confuse things--owning a home is fantastic. You find that you own a pair of shoes in the garage with green stains from your grass. You can sing Weird Al Yankovic songs at the top of your lungs, and you don't get death stares from anyone but your wife. You can expand your manliness index by 20% in 24 hours by purchasing and assembling an enormous grill. You have neighbors that don't seem petrified to speak when you pass by them. You even have this little attachment called a "garage" that both shelters your car and attracts junk at an unprecedented rate. The only drawback is that you begin to wish that your overweight cat and new staircase were mutually beneficial to each other, but they're just not. And never will be.

More than anything, though, you are overwhelmed by the fact that you now have your own throne. It's generally low to the ground and made of porcelain, but nonetheless...it's yours. Now it's easy to imagine what ancient kings must have felt like.

Another point, however: I think most people, myself included, greatly underestimate the educational value of owning your first home. If you live in an apartment, and something breaks, you pick up the phone and call the office. The next day a hairy man repairs whatever it is that was broken--even if you broke it! In a home, however, there is no one to call. There is no calvary waiting to come to your aid. There is only a wife, looking at you patiently while you search through the microscopic amount of repair knowledge you've picked up while watching Home Improvement.

So when the dryer stops heating? Time to start reading. When the refrigerator decides to take a day off in the middle of the summer? Time to start eating. And when you decide to buy a new dishwasher and the installation company says it will have to sit in your kitchen for three weeks before they install it? Time to exert your manliness, say that you'll install it yourself, and then pray to the gods of all worldly religions.

These are all true stories, I'm afraid.

But again, the experience is great, even if it completely wears you out at times. Even if you have to get up on Sunday mornings and go straight downstairs to put on your lawnmowing shoes--instead of lounging around for an hour first. But as you push your lawnmower up "The Hill" (i.e. the backyard), you glance out across the top of your fence into this beautiful suburbia...and you realize that your place in the world is completely unique.

Just like everyone else.